Wholehearted

All year I've been saying "If we can make it through the first half of 2014, we can make it through anything." We finalized a long-waited adoption, moved cross country, drastically reduced our income, hosted about a dozen house guests and survived a big, busy Nashville tour schedule.

My word of the year for 2014 is wholehearted.  Perhaps to live a wholehearted life, I need to feel every emotion of the heart. The first half of 2014 has passed. It was full of fun and adventure, loneliness and busy-ness. Just when I thought this year would stabilize a bit, just when I started to feel comfortable in this new city of ours... the second half of year, the part that was supposed to be easy, began with heartache, a miscarriage. I feel as though I have felt every emotion known to man this year. I've felt plenty of happiness, met some great people and seen some great things but I've felt more hard things than I had anticipated.

I'd like for the second half of 2014 to be more wholehearted living and less wholehearted feeling. I keep thinking that living wholeheartedly means doing more. But really, it means loving myself.

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, 'No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.' It’s going to bed at night thinking, 'Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.'" — Brene Brown

Dress: Miilla Halie 3/4 Sleeve Eyelet Detail Sheath Dress via Stitchfix
Flats: Mia via TJ Maxx

The Kid is Alright

When Dan is on the road it's just Liam and me. I put a lot of time into Liam. Most of my life and my time is all about him. I think that's just how motherhood is sometimes. We are in a season with lots of change, transition, uncertainty. I'm pouring into him as much as I can. We share "I love yous" and hugs all day long. We both miss daddy while he's away so I'm trying to be mom and dad and our days are long and grueling. Liam doesn't understand how many hours are in a day or how many days are in a week. I'm not sure he understands when I tell him that Daddy is coming home "tomorrow" or that we'll see him next week. Right now, I am the only constant in his life and he's clinging to me for dear life.

We have our moments, good and bad. Our screaming matches, time outs, counting to 5 over and over again until he finally does what I ask him to do. And my favorite moments of late when he runs at me, full speed, hugs my leg and says, "Mama, I love you! Sooo much!"

It is life changing to see and to feel and to know that MY SON loves me.

Being his mother is an adventure. Fostering to adopt a child is the wildest thing I've ever done. It wasn't all magic the day I got him, it wasn't easy being up with him in the night, it wasn't comfortable when birth parents interfered, it wasn't perfect when we finalized his adoption and I'm far from a great stay-at-home-mom. But God is strong where I am weak. Somehow through my shortcomings, short temper and general inadequacies I've got a pretty great kid. 

Made in Nashville

Downtown on a cloudy day is photo-taking perfection! These two brothers are 8 years apart and so very, very sweet together. Little man is almost 1 so it was time for a photo shoot. His "Made in Nashville" shirt is by DCXV Industries. They are the rad people responsible for the "I believe in Nashville" murals all over town. Check out their store for some really awesome gear. 

Around Nashville: Percy Priest Lake

We believe we found the best place in Nashville: Percy Priest Lake. As Pacific Northwesterners, we are accustomed to all the outdoorsy things. It's just in our DNA. I'm not so sure all Tennesseans enjoy romping around in lakes... but it's one of my favorite things of all time. For the record, we have yet to see a water moccasin.

At Percy Priest we've tried Anderson, Cook, Seven Points, Hamilton and Smith Springs. For small kids, Seven Points and Smith Springs recreation areas are great! Shoes are a must at any spot. Seven Points has a huge rock slab that is about knee deep for little ones. Anderson has a sandy shore and an outdoor shower, with $4 parking. Hamilton is gorgeous but there's no swimming allowed, just BMX, hiking and a playground so save this one for a not-too-hot day. All of the spots I've been to have bathrooms (which are a MUST for anyone with a bladder) and picnic tables with bbqs! All you need for summer fun is at Percy Priest, if you ask me!

We'd like to acknowledge our previous post and thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and well-wishes and thanks to those who've reached out to us. We're doing well.

Painful + Exhausting : Our Miscarriage

I found out I was pregnant while Dan was out on the road. I couldn't wait to tell him. I was nervous but I couldn't keep it a secret. The story of how I told him is written down,  and it's a funny one, but it will never be published. 

Two tests had confirmed it immediately. A few days after I sprung the news on Dan, I told him I didn't feel well. I didn't feel pregnant. The day before he was to return home, I spent over 4 hours,  alone and scared, at the ER to find out that I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along. I was bleeding, in so much pain. I also had an advanced UTI and a 5cm ovarian cyst. Dan got home that night. We started to share the possibly happy yet seemingly tragic news with our family and a few friends. It's a strange, emotional experience when you think you're having a miscarriage. Constant questions and analyzing. Was it something I did? Is it getting better? Do you still feel pregnant? Maybe I miscarried a long time ago. What if we can't have children?

In the few days before the complications, I had consulted all my favorite baby blogs and started making a list of things we'd absolutely need for baby number two. I was mapping out possible due dates and started trying to figure out my next career move. I thought that I would be gazing into Daniel's eyes, wondering in awe at the life we'd created. Instead I was sobbing into his shoulder. Either way, I'm so glad he was home. I have no idea how I would have gotten through it without him being physically here.

I had to wait three days after the ER visit to  have my blood was tested for pregnancy hormones and we found out the following day that they had plummeted. There was no baby. Five days of uncertainty was torture. There was some relief in knowing.

It was painful and exhausting. 

It still hurts. 

I debated over and over about posting something like this. Often times our society doesn't talk about failed pregnancies. But it's something that happens quite a bit. This blog is real. It's my life and this story of a miscarriage is now a huge part of it. I hope that my friends and readers feel comfortable sharing their stories with me. I know that, with support, you can overcome and be happy again.

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Even though I'm late in posting this, I'm linking up with Casey Wiegand after her recent lost, her second miscarriage. It's women like her who give me the strength and courage to not just write about difficult things but to share my life. Writing about these things is easy, it's hitting the 'publish' button that's the hardest thing. Thanks for reading.

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The Mitchell House: Bridal Shoot with Liz Hadaway

I had the opportunity to shoot at The Mitchell House. The home is in Lebanon, TN and was constructed in 1906. It has a rich and complex history. 

My friend Liz has been married for 6 years. She has a sweet little boy named Oliver - and still fits into her wedding dress! She's a band wife, too, and has been a good friend here in Nashville.