Painful + Exhausting : Our Miscarriage

I found out I was pregnant while Dan was out on the road. I couldn't wait to tell him. I was nervous but I couldn't keep it a secret. The story of how I told him is written down,  and it's a funny one, but it will never be published. 

Two tests had confirmed it immediately. A few days after I sprung the news on Dan, I told him I didn't feel well. I didn't feel pregnant. The day before he was to return home, I spent over 4 hours,  alone and scared, at the ER to find out that I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along. I was bleeding, in so much pain. I also had an advanced UTI and a 5cm ovarian cyst. Dan got home that night. We started to share the possibly happy yet seemingly tragic news with our family and a few friends. It's a strange, emotional experience when you think you're having a miscarriage. Constant questions and analyzing. Was it something I did? Is it getting better? Do you still feel pregnant? Maybe I miscarried a long time ago. What if we can't have children?

In the few days before the complications, I had consulted all my favorite baby blogs and started making a list of things we'd absolutely need for baby number two. I was mapping out possible due dates and started trying to figure out my next career move. I thought that I would be gazing into Daniel's eyes, wondering in awe at the life we'd created. Instead I was sobbing into his shoulder. Either way, I'm so glad he was home. I have no idea how I would have gotten through it without him being physically here.

I had to wait three days after the ER visit to  have my blood was tested for pregnancy hormones and we found out the following day that they had plummeted. There was no baby. Five days of uncertainty was torture. There was some relief in knowing.

It was painful and exhausting. 

It still hurts. 

I debated over and over about posting something like this. Often times our society doesn't talk about failed pregnancies. But it's something that happens quite a bit. This blog is real. It's my life and this story of a miscarriage is now a huge part of it. I hope that my friends and readers feel comfortable sharing their stories with me. I know that, with support, you can overcome and be happy again.

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Even though I'm late in posting this, I'm linking up with Casey Wiegand after her recent lost, her second miscarriage. It's women like her who give me the strength and courage to not just write about difficult things but to share my life. Writing about these things is easy, it's hitting the 'publish' button that's the hardest thing. Thanks for reading.

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