A BLOG BY LINDSY READ

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Painful + Exhausting : Our Miscarriage




I found out I was pregnant while Dan was out on the road. I couldn't wait to tell him. I was nervous but I couldn't keep it a secret. The story of how I told him is written down,  and it's a funny one, but it will never be published. 

Two tests had confirmed it immediately. A few days after I sprung the news on Dan, I told him I didn't feel well. I didn't feel pregnant. The day before he was to return home, I spent over 4 hours,  alone and scared, at the ER to find out that I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along. I was bleeding, in so much pain. I also had an advanced UTI and a 5cm ovarian cyst. Dan got home that night. We started to share the possibly happy yet seemingly tragic news with our family and a few friends. It's a strange, emotional experience when you think you're having a miscarriage. Constant questions and analyzing. Was it something I did? Is it getting better? Do you still feel pregnant? Maybe I miscarried a long time ago. What if we can't have children?

In the few days before the complications, I had consulted all my favorite baby blogs and started making a list of things we'd absolutely need for baby number two. I was mapping out possible due dates and started trying to figure out my next career move. I thought that I would be gazing into Daniel's eyes, wondering in awe at the life we'd created. Instead I was sobbing into his shoulder. Either way, I'm so glad he was home. I have no idea how I would have gotten through it without him being physically here.

I had to wait three days after the ER visit to  have my blood was tested for pregnancy hormones and we found out the following day that they had plummeted. There was no baby. Five days of uncertainty was torture. There was some relief in knowing.

It was painful and exhausting. 
It still hurts. 

I debated over and over about posting something like this. Often times our society doesn't talk about failed pregnancies. But it's something that happens quite a bit. This blog is real. It's my life and this story of a miscarriage is now a huge part of it. I hope that my friends and readers feel comfortable sharing their stories with me. I know that, with support, you can overcome and be happy again.

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Even though I'm late in posting this, I'm linking up with Casey Wiegand after her recent lost, her second miscarriage. It's women like her who give me the strength and courage to not just write about difficult things but to share my life. Writing about these things is easy, it's hitting the 'publish' button that's the hardest thing. Thanks for reading.

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23 comments:

  1. Lindsy, I'm glad Dan encouraged you to share. I am so sorry to hear of the pain and loss and back-and-forth of emotions that you have been through, and I pray that you will feel the comfort, peace, healing and hope that only God can bring. Pain can be so isolating, but when we talk about it we realize that we're not alone, and the fellowship/connection really brings healing to the heart and soul. <3

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    1. You're so right. That's a metaphor for like right there! ;) Thanks Kristen

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  2. You're so brave for sharing your story. We love you, miss you, and send hugs from WA!

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  3. I'm so sorry....I miscarried twice and it's very painful (physically and emotionally). You are doing the right thing: lean into your emotions, share your stories, and surround yourself with people who love you. I will be praying your name through scripture today. Be comforted.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and empathy, Lena

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  4. I saw this on IG earlier and man....I am sorry. It really made me start to reflect on my life
    .
    My life would be a completely different world if I had given up after my 6 miscarriages, and I nearly did. It is more than slightly emotional, it is the whole current world as you know it. One of the hardest things to accept is sometimes it is natural and sometimes there is something wrong, and it is really impossible to know in the beginning. All my husband and I said to quiet our minds was that is was not to be.

    But after a weird diagnosis and two super healthy babies, my husband pushed me to write a post about it as well: (http://alittlesaverinthe253.com/miscarriage-awareness-october/). I found it helped some out there but it helped me even more. I found that is wasn't my fault but even more I realized how common and unspoken about this topic really is. It happens but hopefully not again.

    Now. go make some cookies with your little one and forget the worries of the day.

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    1. Amazing story!! I wish all stories resolved like this but fertility is so strange sometimes. Thanks, Jaime!

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  5. i can't even comprehend what you are going through, but i know you, and you will be so much stronger because of it. God definitely has a plan for you! keeping you and your sweet family in my prayers!

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  6. Thank you Lindsey. Thank you for sharing something that is so hard to share.

    I too recently experienced the loss of a sweet babe. It'll be two weeks tomorrow since we found our sweet little went home. We, the kids, husband and myself, went to our 12 week checkup and baby P's heartbeat was no where to be found. We lost him (I call our llittle "him" for no particular reason, just because) at 9 weeks 3 days. I had no clue, no sign of the loss and most of all felt great. It was devastating, it still is and the pain has yet to subside.

    It is exactly as you said, painful and exhausting and it still hurts, but we will see our little ones again.

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    1. Oh, Robi I am so sorry! Devastating is right. Hugs to you.

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  7. Stephanie HoffmanJuly 9, 2014 at 12:19 PM

    I'm so sorry, Lindsy :'( As soon as the test shows positive, we can't help but love the tiny baby growing inside and we quickly become attached to all the dreams and dates attached to that baby. Miscarriage sucks. Many prayers for you and Dan <3

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  8. I am SO glad you shared your story Lindsy. So many people often do not. And that leads many women who've experience this great loss to feel alone. Like it doesn't happen to anyone else. When, in fact, it does. A lot. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That statistic was astounding to me when I first heard it. Having a baby truly is a miracle. Not only the baby itself, but actually getting pregnant too. When it all begins with loss it's hard to believe in such a miracle. Especially when it seems no one has suffered the same loss as you. But please take comfort in knowing, many do. And many go on to have beautiful little miracles who bless their lives. Maybe it's God's way. Maybe it's your body's way of preparing for pregnancy. Whatever you believe, don't stop believing. Two very different, yet very painful miscarriages brought me to my knees and tested my beliefs. But if I stopped believing, I wouldn't have the wonderful babies I have now. You are not alone. And Dan, your family and your friends are all here to carry you through this. Much love.

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    1. Thanks, Chris... I love your perspective.

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  9. Oh Lindsy I am so sorry. I know this was not easy to share, even harder to go through.

    I know it won't help, but I have a few friends who have had miscarriages. I've found every one has responded differently. Some move on fast... It's just the way it goes! Others have grieved for literally years, long after other pregnancies have come to term. One friend has had so many I've lost count. (She's been going through IVF for months now.)

    It's for this reason the question, "So when are you having babies!?" angers me so much. I've seen the pain in friends eyes to that question, because they JUST lost a baby. But they smile politely and say, "Maybe soon."

    I know this is intensely personal, but your sharing it might just help someone else not feel so alone. Never lose faith, and know we are all here to support you and Dan. Sending many hugs and much love your way.

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    1. Thank you so much, Denise! Yes, that's such a terrible question (I'm sure you get asked it a lot, too!). Fertility is so personal. I feel like I left a lot of our story out because there are so many questions and unknowns. But, you're right. It helps to not feel alone. It's embarrassing and hard but it's been so good to know that I'm not alone. It was the alone-ness that felt awful. It was days of not knowing and feeling sick and not sure what to tell my parents or friends.

      I appreciate your support SO MUCH. xox

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  10. love you so much lindsy. Wish I was there to give you a hug. Know we are praying for you still!

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry you've experienced this. You are so brave to share. Sending many hugs and love your direction.

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Thank you so much for commenting! I love feedback and I read every comment and would love to respond to you! If you want to be notified of a response, click that little "notify me" box! xo, Lindsy

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