I'm very private about my private family affairs. I've kept this blog light and sweet, sharing some of our adventures and photographs that I've taken of happy people and pretty things. That's going to change. At least just for today. This is really scary to click "publish" on this one. After my brother's wedding I was able to edit it- for the better- and I have hope that peace and contentment are possible even in the midst of a crappy situation.
Three years ago my family started to fall apart right around the time that Dan started touring and we moved out of the home we owned. My life, everything I knew, had changed and I was a total mess. Everything was out of control, out of my control. I look back at those times and they're a blur but with intense moments of clarity. Endless crying, trying everything to ignore how much I hurt. I prayed. I plead with God everyday to make it stop. I still remember almost every detail about that phone call from my dad; I remember every word, where I was, what I was wearing, what I was feeling. He moved onto the yacht he had just bought. The summer was uncomfortable. My 27th birthday was spent with both parents and some of my oldest friends, jumping off the deck of that boat into the cool Columbia River, pretending it wasn't awkward that my mom and dad didn't live with each other anymore.
The divorce was final nearly a year ago. Making plans and trying to make everyone happy. To be fair. But, it's not fair; I didn't choose this. And sometimes, honestly, I want to walk away from it all. I miss our old, normal life. Most of the time I just put on a half-hearted smile. Most of the time I do it for BB. This is our new normal and I'm trying to figure it out, to be a leader for my siblings because family is important.
"Hi, I'm 30 years old and I'm from a broken home."
It's really, really hard. I know that many people have been in my shoes. I'm praying that God will give us joy and peace - even three years later when the hurt and discomfort is still there. This is a poem for hope which was written by a woman who was blind, suffering from cancer and orphaned:
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater."Hi, I'm 30 years old and I'm from a broken home. And, it's going to be okay."
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.
To added affliction He addeth his mercy.
To multiplied trials is multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed at the day's half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's forgiving has only begun.
His love has no limits.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundaries known unto men.
For out of his infinite richness in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again." - Annie Flint
Thanks you for sharing this Lindsy! The poem was perfect and just what I needed to hear. I found out a few weeks ago that my parents are divorcing. We're doing the "fairness" dance this year for holidays. I hate it and it sucks sooo bad!
ReplyDeleteBut you're right. Everything will be OK.
I feel ya! Word of advice: Do what's best for you and Brad and Elliot.
DeleteMyparents divorced when I was in high school, and it ended up being what was best for our family. We were lucky though, we never had to go spend weekends away at my dad's, he came to see us, and my dad still came over for every holiday, in fact he still does. I can't imagine how hard the adjustment would be as an adult to have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteThat's really nice that they are able to remain friends! Divorce isn't always the worst.
DeleteLindsy my parents divorced when I was 26 too, and I totally remember the phone call from MY dad and so much of everything that happened around that time. I know first hand how it sucks, and I just wanted to tell you that and also that I think you're awesome. There were years (like close to 10) that I spent a lot of energy being angry at one or both of them and finally realized that that was hurting no one but me. So I let it go. I'm happier that way. I hope if you are harboring any ill will towards your parents that you will just let it go, because you are so much better than that. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you for your wisdom. YOU are awesome, my friend.
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