I just realized the other day that I'm pretty sure I've cried every day since mid-January. I've been crying for two months, people. In January they were tears of frustration as I battled with the state to get Liam's file ready for his adoption. There were also sad tears about leaving Washington. In February, I cried happy tears. Our son is our son. The adoption was finalized and we started our move and I cried tears of joy and tears of stress as we moved across the country. This new life in Nashville has been a challenge. Dan's tour schedule is grueling. He's on the road 5 - 6 days a week. I cry when I miss him, I cry when he's home and I realize he's leaving again in only 24 hours. I cry at everyone one of the church services I attend. I cry when I get in a fight with Gibson. I was crying when Liam wouldn't nap but I got over that.
I've just learned not to hold things in. I was hospitalized and put on all kinds of drugs my senior year of high school. It was stress. "I don't feel stressed," I proclaimed. But, I was. I just wasn't letting myself feel anything so my body basically attacked itself. I've been trying to prevent that for the past 12 years and I'm slowly learning that it's best to just let it out.
Upon waking, I rolled over this morning and saw a book that I had unpacked the night before and felt prompted to read it. It's by Brennan Manning, one of my most favorite authors, theologians and recovering alcoholics. (I'd love to have dinner with him and C.S. Lewis but I'd probably just cry the whole time.) The book is called Abba's Child and he says, in Chapter 1: I had two options: yield once again to guilt, fear and depression; or rush into the arms of my Heavenly Father - choose to live as a victim of my disease; or choose to trust in Abba's immutable love.
I walked taller today. I made new friends today. I maybe even didn't cry today. I cant remember.
I'm not writing this for your pity. I really don't want to be pitied. Things are getting better and they will continue to get better as I adjust and learn and grow and make more friends. This is the hardest part of the move - and I knew it would be.