Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Blogs are strange glimpses into a life because we, as readers, see only what the writer allows us to see.  I look through posts of gorgeous women wearing cute, vintage dresses, decorating their pretty houses, making delicious, organic food to feed to their hot husband and beautiful children.  Okay, not ALL blogs are like that but each seems to have an element of:  "look at how awesome I am!".  Even when the writers are being real and write about the pain of losing a child or that their bank account was overdrawn, you're still not getting the full picture.  That gorgeous girl who just blogged about her new vintage tea set and a trip to the beach might be the loneliest girl in the world.  I don't like being so cynical, but I've found this to be true.

I don't want all of my thoughts to be public.  I dont want you to know how I truly feel about things because I am ashamed of the thoughts that run through my head all day.  Thoughts of how I'm not good enough, thoughts of anger, jealousy, just plain ugliness.  These aren't things that should be written about in a public forum, obviously.  No one wants to read that.  I want to be 'me' on this blog and in real-life - in the safest and most entertaining way possible.  So, without further ado, here are all some of the things I'm afraid to tell you.

1)  I am a control freak.  I would love to be in charge of everything and everyone.  I cant even begin to explain all the ways that my need for control has nearly ruined my life, but, it has.  I have to let this go everyday.

2)  Even though I love a tidy house, I cannot, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, put my clean clothes away.  I just cant/wont/dont do it.  After we got BB, a basket of clean clothes sat on my bedroom floor for over 4 weeks.  The only reason I put it away was because Dan's parents were coming to visit.  Dan organizes my closet and puts my clothes away 90% of the time.  Bless his heart.

3)  Baby Bread is an easy-going baby but I'm still learning about him.  And, contrary to what my photographs tell you, he doesn't always smile and he's not always happy.  In fact, he's becoming quite the independent little man.  For instance, he doesn't like bottles anymore so he pushes them away, spraying formula all over my clothes and my suddenly, disgustingly-long hair and I do NOT like this.  I really wish he and I could communicate.  Anyway, the kid is amazing but he isn't always sweet and I feel like I should come clean about that.

4)  When I was in high school, a group of girls totally misjudged me.  They made false accusations about my character that were so far off base.  I knew the things they said about me were wrong but it still hurt to be so misunderstood.  Ever since then, I've hid myself from women.  I'm much more comfortable talking to guys because, it seems, they don't judge as much.

5)  Pregnancy makes me uncomfortable.  I don't like talking about birth (C-section? Dilating? Mucus plug?!?!?  OH MY!).  The morning sickness and stretch marks I can certainly do without.  I dont even like thinking about it.  Dont get me wrong, I think pregnant women are beautiful!  But if I never get pregnant I am pretty sure I'll be okay about that.

6)  I am realizing how much of a hippie I am.  Dan and I both are.  We dont shower often (probably all the time we spent in Europe).  We usually eat vegetarian/vegan.  We dont use plastic water bottles or harsh chemicals.  We only have one car and we drive as little as possible. Our trash can is the smallest size available.  We recycle EVERYTHING.  I honestly cant believe it when people don't recycle but I would never say anything to them about it.

Walking the streets of Grenoble, France.  Probably unshowered. 

So, there are 6 things I could think of.  It's a little scary to put this out there.  I'm not expecting anything in return.  Just that you, whether you blog or not, would be inspired to be more real.

Love, Lindsy